#tree top silhouette
I was out of the hospital in sometime in the end of July; I had no idea how long I had been there. Everyone was happy to see me alive; personally I didn’t give much thought to it. It was overwhelming - the shock and realization would come in waves. Jessie and Jenna would help me the first month. It was really hard to do anything. With several broken ribs, broken arm, broken jaw, broken eye socket, a severe concussion, nearly blind and not to mention the psychological damage - I was a mess. Jessie had almost killed Ryan after what happened, the police had to drag them both away.
Jenna told me everything when I woke up at the hospital. I couldn’t believe how much damage Ryan had done. He must’ve been so angry, being able to break my body like a puzzle. That’s all the thought I gave him, I couldn’t dwell too much. I was suffering from post-traumatic amnesia, I really didn’t remember anything. Small fragments came back in pieces, which only gave me severe anxiety attacks. I was working against myself though, because I didn’t want to remember - but my body did. Everything from late May, which was when I was leaving New York, to when I woke up at the hospital was basically all gone. Although to be honest, the last twelve months were a mess, I remembered a few basic details.
Jessie was in a terrible state when I first saw him after waking up. His hair was a mess, his face was sunken and his eyes looked lifeless. Hell, even Lucy looked like shit. I spent two months at Jessie’s, I couldn’t function alone. Olivia, Jenna and Lucy moved in to help. I was mostly numb and hardly spoke, but I would have regular anxiety attacks and breakdowns. It was hard for the others, especially the girls. If they thought I didn’t hear they’d talk about it, even cry about it. I tried to keep it together, but if I had flashbacks I would be out of my mind. I could barely go outside, especially during the day. I would have to wear sunglasses, because my face was a mess and I couldn’t expose my eyes to the sun. I was told Patrick came to see me quite often, Jenna said he was at the hospital all the time. After I came home from the hospital, Patrick witnessed a breakdown I had. He helped me; I was a weak fool and let him. I ended up sleeping with him a few months later, when I had recovered enough. Just like that, we were back to our masochistic routine. I got back on heavy drugs, and the blackouts were more frequent. I didn’t always remember to have passed out, or realize that I had blacked out. Most of the time I felt as if time stood still, only for me. From September to late November that was how things were. Chaotic and a mess I couldn’t bare to clean up.
I was in my house now, all alone for once. Not glued to Patrick’s side as usual. I cursed the fact that my house was so big as I cleared my sore throat and entered the large living room. I had no idea what time it was, but it was still light out. I groaned as I hit my leg in the table. Some Budweiser cans fell down to the floor with a well-known sound. I stared at the cans for a while before feeling my hands start to shake.
Dropping the can to the floor. Everything happened fast. Screaming. Screaming. Blood. Darkness. Another one hit me right after.
“Babe, you’re too pretty to be sitting out here by yourself.” I turned around. Patrick. “I’m not pretty. I’m fucking disgusting. You should know.” Another drag of the cigarette. “Just be with me then. You don’t have to be in front of everyone else. Just me.” Kissing. Sex. I love yous. Back to shouting and fighting. More screams. Quiet sobs. Echo’s.
I woke up on the floor, once again. At least it was in my own house this time. Somehow I managed to pull my messed up body up from the floor. Awaking from yet another of my excessive flashbacks, I decided to get my shit together. Kill myself, or get my life in order. My temporary solution was to keep living. I squeezed my eyes shut a few times before making my way to the phone Jessie had installed.
“Jessie? Yeah, it’s me. No, I left him for good this time. I’m so sorry about all this…” I said with a groggy voice. He said something back, but I was too exhausted to pay much attention.
“Uhm, what’s the date? And. the time.” I asked him before he tried to ask any other questions. November 28th. 3pm.
“No, Jessie, it’s okay. I’ll be coming over tonight. And I’ll try to keep the breakdowns to a minimum.” I thought I would get some sleep before going out later, I really needed it.
Finally a moment to myself. Ever since I got in the door to Jessie’s everyone had been all over me with “Are you okay? Need any help? Sure you’re okay by yourself in that big house?” I just wanted to drink and slowly go back to what things used to be. Things were settling down again, well, slightly. I was impatient and just wanted things to fall back into the right places. I knew it was because even before what happened, I had problems. Weak attempts to fix them failed miserably, and I wasn’t doing very well. At least as far as I could remember. Patrick was probably my largest problem at the time, but I had done what I could for the moment. I didn’t love him, he didn’t love me - it was a done deal.
I sat on the kitchen counter by myself, just like I had done that night four months ago. I was glad to be a fly on the wall again, although I knew most people didn’t just show up for another night at Jessie’s.
“And you must be Carmen.” I recognized the accent as Irish. I looked up to see a tall guy with long, dark, wavy brown hair smiling at me. He had a really kind face and brown eyes with greenish contrasts. His skin was tanned and he was quite muscular. I observed him a little before I smiled back.
“Yeah, yeah… I am.” I simply replied. I reached out my hand and he took it.
“Aw, great! I’m Cal.” He smiled and seemed genuinely glad, for whatever reason. He seemed a bit out of place, not uncomfortable, just…
“Oh, you’re new to LA?” I said as soon as I realized why he was talking to me. He laughed.
“Yeah, I am quite new actually. Never been out of Europe before now.” He smiled and looked around a little as to show how out of place he felt.
“Oh, that’s weird, I’ve never been in.” I sighed and jumped off the counter. Just as my right foot hit the floor, I felt it caving in. I was a bit put off as he caught me just before I fell onto the floor. “Woah.” I exclaimed still awkwardly placed in his arms. He helped me up and to the kitchen table; I sat down and chuckled while glaring at my foot.
“I uhm. broke my foot some months ago, and it’s still pretty weak…” I mumbled and cleared my throat. As if he could read my thoughts, Cal pointed at me and said;
“You look like a gal who needs a drink.” He went out of the room and no more than ten seconds later, came back with two glasses of whiskey.
“Ah, how did you know…” I said practically grabbing the glass. He laughed wholeheartedly.
“I’m Irish, I can tell.” He said, tapping his temporal.
“I can already tell we’re going to be best friends.” I said, removing the glass from my mouth.
“Oh, you can? Is that what Americans are gifted with? Social skills?” He said as his lips curved into a smile.
“Oh yeah…” I said before taking another amount of whiskey into my mouth. I let the taste float around in my mouth before swallowing it.
“…it’s a done deal now.” I said, raised the glass from my lips and put it on the table.
“You know, Carmen. People are quite fond of you here.” He said looking back at me, I wondered if there was a question between the lines that I didn’t see.
“Yeah, it would seem so now. I’ve been away for a while, and now I’m back. Who would show their discontent at a happy time like this?” I said, waving my right hand out in the air.
“I guess I’m not such a hard person to like. Arh, to be honest, I don’t even know what kind of person I am.” I said shaking my head.
Moments later we were sitting out on the terrace, drinking more and talking more. Cal was a breath of fresh air. Full of life and new thoughts, I adored him already. Jenna’s fiancé, Gavin, had met Cal in Barcelona when he was travelling around Europe. Having dropped out of Art College, Cal took the opportunity to come to LA. I was glad he did.
I noticed the way he’d start smiling in the middle of a sentence, how it made him look kind of shy, although he was far from it, and how small wrinkles would form around his eyes. He didn’t speak too quickly, or too slowly. His voice was just a joy to listen to.
“I like your eyes… and your smile…” I said breaking the silence, and lightly poking him right under his right eye. He turned his face slightly towards me, and smiled back.
“Oh, thank you. I must say…” He came closer, his voice was hoarse and he was whispering. His breath was twirling around my face and neck.
“You have a pair of amazing eyes. It’s like the ocean.” He said and brushed some of my hair out of my face. He looked me deep in the eyes and I felt myself weaken under his stare. We stared at each other for what seemed a very long time until we both started laughing.
“I think you’re right now, I think we’re best friends.” He laughed and broke the stare, letting go of me.
“Don’t ever doubt my American senses, I told you it was a done deal!” I stretched my arms towards the starry night sky and got up.
“I must be going, sir. It’s quite late.” I said, taking the last shot of my whiskey. Cal got up and bowed.
“Thank you for accompanying me this lovely evening. I must say though, you are the first girl I have met who can take that much whiskey.” He laughed as I pulled him into a hug.
“I can’t say how I’ll take it tomorrow, but for now I’m fine.” I felt very at ease with him, and had to pull myself away from him. A smell hit me apart from the alcohol, a mixture of berries and the smell of a forest after rain. It was fresh and it was nature. Some kind of nostalgia took me on some kind of short trip. I took it all in and pictures of fog filled pine trees crossed my mind.
“Damn, you smell good.” I exclaimed as I pulled away. Cal only laughed as answer and grinned back at my mesmerized face.
“Good night, Carmen.” He said as I let go of the hand I was unaware I was holding. I smiled back and turned around to go home. “Good night, ridiculously handsome European.”
I decided to walk home, even though it was quite late and coming from a small town, I was brought up to be a tad paranoid about these things. Walking by night was bliss for me, especially when the sky was clear and fully lit with the moon as a lamp.
The warm summer breeze embraced me as I walked around the house. Instead of going back into the house and having to talk to everyone, I walked around the house.
I could barely see anything, although the moon was bright. I had to stumble my way towards the main entrance. I pulled out a lighter and a pack of cigarettes from the pocket of my jacket. I carefully lit it in the dark and smiled as I exhaled a cloud of smoke. I looked up and sighed before walking up to the passage to the entrance. I nearly jumped as I saw someone standing with their back away from me, smoking.
“Sir, you are aware of the party going on inside?” I carefully walked up to the man, still standing with his back against me.
“Yeah, I am.” He answered plainly, staring at a spot a few feet in front of him.
“Good to know I’m not the only party pooper.” I mumbled and smiled. After a little while, I had almost finished my cigarette as the man shook his head and rubbed his face with his hands. It seemed as if he was trying to shake out a feeling or a thought. Although I was staring halfway up the sky, I saw him turn around. He stood still a little while.
The man took a step towards me. “It’s Carmen, right?” his voice had softened and it sounded as if he was surprised. Without looking back at him;
“Yes, that’s my name.” I smiled slightly. I finished my cigarette and took my eyes off the sky. I turned to my left and made eye contact with the man. He had eyes with a shade of intense green. I was taken aback, this was not what I expected. His plaid shirt was almost fully unbuttoned; I could see drops of sweat form on his neck and chest. I inhaled sharply at the sight and tried not to cough to much, although my throat was itching as fuck.
“So you’re the girl everybody’s talking about…” He said and crossed his arms with a slight impressed or surprised smile, I couldn’t quite tell.
“It was you.” He said, as in disbelief. I was confused, and simply replied;
“I don’t believe we’ve met.” I took a step towards him.
He smiled and laughed. “Not officially, no.” He too took a step further towards me, decreasing the distance between us.
He smiled modestly and reached me his hand;
#60's. #hippie #tree top silhouette #Wounded by Dust #fiction #overly dramatic shit #oh well
MOOOORE PLEEEEAASE MOOOOOOOOREEEEE
you have no idea how happy you just made me.
aw, bless your soul, I shall post the next chapter within a few hours.
It was July 4th, and I was in my house preparing for a great night at Jessie’s. I had just finished moving in, and everything was finally unpacked. The house was bigger than I had expected, almost as big as Jessie’s. It was further away from downtown though, but it didn’t bother me. To be honest, it was great. I could be as loud as I wanted and no neighbors would be pissed off. The view was profound; I could see the entire city lit up by night. I was still in awe that Jessie had bought me a house; I didn’t expect to ever get over the shock. It didn’t help that I was in a slight daze.
I couldn’t stop thinking about Sam, the guy at Jessie’s house. His face, his voice, his presence. It had been a month now since I first laid eyes on him, and my God, had it been a long month. I originally thought I was too tipsy to pull myself together, but even the next time I saw him I knew I wanted him. Even though I sure tried, I never got the chance to talk to him that time either. I had never been this infatuated by someone, it was intense, almost too intense to handle. I started doubting myself, questioning my motives, how could I feel this way? I hadn’t even spoken to the guy. He could be a republican for all I knew. A part of me had to get to know him, I wanted to know him. At the same time, I had occupied myself with other guys just to get him off my mind. It did help after a while, and mixed with large amounts of alcohol it was as if I was back to myself.
It wasn’t even 7:30 by the time I got there, but the house was packed. I made my way through the thick crowd of people and headed straight for the alcohol storage. I felt uneasy, and I wanted to numb it out. All I could find were loads of Budweiser cans. It would have to do until I could find something stronger, whiskey would be good. As I finished my third can of beer I heard someone singing the national anthem and turned to look outside the window of the kitchen. Jessie was standing out on the terrace singing and many with him, always the life of the party.
I noticed a guy I hooked up with a few days ago standing in the crowd and did my very best not to make eye contact. Usually guys never wanted more, they would disappear as soon as they could get their dick back into their pants. Sometimes though, they’d be nice. They’d want something more, a relationship. I couldn’t handle it; I had more than enough with myself. I was never anything but sexually attracted to the guys I slept with, I was happy as long as they kept their mouth shut. I would very rarely have any other romantic feelings towards anyone. The times I did, I panicked. Even if I tried to open up to people, it felt weird and I had to turn into someone I didn’t like. It always felt like a lie.
I took another can with me and went to see if I found anyone cool. Occasionally when Jessie had found someone else to help, he’d have me introduced to him or her. I’d help them get into the scene, and get a fresh start. Just like I did two years earlier. I could see the new ones by a miles distance. Eager to socialize but having no idea how, they’d stand in the middle of the crowd wondering what the hell to do. As I once did. I liked it; it felt like a job, but a great one. A rewarding one.
I heard someone call out my name, realizing it was the guy I was trying to avoid, I fled the room. I heard him follow me and I quickly opened the door to a random room and practically fell inside. I sighed and opened my beer. With my ear to the now closed door, I could hear the guy walking past the door, still calling my name. I shook my head and as I turned around I almost choked on my beer. A girl with long black wavy hair, perfect olive skin, was sitting on the bed in only black lingerie. I was taken aback and started stuttering reaching for the doorknob. She looked very confused and seemed like she was waiting for me to leave, not that I was surprised. I lifted my head to open the door and standing no less than five feet away was Sam. He too looked confused and stood there with an open mouth as if I had interrupted him in the middle of a sentence. He just started right back at me. For the first time, I got a real good look at him. His hair, his eyes, his tanned skin. Even in my confused state I was still taking it all in, preparing to remember him. I stood there for what seemed a very long time just staring back at his green eyes. As I broke the stare I could see he was smiling slightly back at me. He opened his mouth again to say something, but I panicked and made my exit out of the room as elegant as my entrance, practically running out the door. My heart was beating so fast I felt as if everyone could hear it. Even though I loved the feeling, I despised it. Literally running away from a guy I’m infatuated with, it was ridiculous. I was in desperate need of more alcohol and I soon discovered I had left my beer inside the room.
“Fuck, I must’ve looked so stupid…” I mumbled to myself as I got myself two more cans of beer.
I walked around to see if I could find someone else to talk to, to get my mind off the green eyed God. After chatting with a few friends I sat down in a couch and drank another beer. I was hoping to find Olivia, I was in a Olivia mood. She was probably out with Lucy, teaching her how to be ‘cool and hip’. Someone sat down beside me, without turning around I knew whom it was.
“Finally got the courage to pursue your obsession?” I sighed.
Ryan chuckled. ”I was just admiring the view.”
I chucked the last of my beer and dropped the can on the floor. I did not need it; I never needed Ryan’s cheesy comments. His presence disgusted me; he was the kind of guy that would give me nightmares. He had tried to get into my pants since I got to LA, and didn’t seem to give up. Lately, after I got back from New York, he had been trying harder. Coming to my house, ‘suddenly’ meeting me on the street, asking around for me. I wouldn’t be surprised to find him sniffing my clothes anytime soon. This had been going on for two years, and by this point, I was more infuriated than afraid.
I shook the thoughts out of my head, reminding myself that he was sitting right beside me. It must’ve been at least 9 o’clock so the range of alcohol should be larger and not to mention stronger.
I sighed and was about to get up from the couch when Ryan pinned me down. I wasn’t surprised, he’d do this when he was frustrated or just plain horny. Now he was both.
“Why are you leaving, princess?” His grey eyes started right into mine.
“Don’t you fucking condescend me..” I spat the words at him and was about to try to break free as he kissed me hard. I couldn’t resist, my body was locked under his tight grip. I tried to pull my face away, but it failed miserably. He was high on something, he wouldn’t have the courage to do this sober.
“It’s funny though, how I’m not good enough for you, but the entire male population of LA is. ” He stared at me with a slight smile on his face. The comment infuriated me to the point where I kicked him in the groin and flew up from the couch.
“Stalker shit!” I screamed and wiped my mouth.
My hands were shaking, I had never been so disgusted. Fortunately we were alone in the room, I didn’t want to cause a scene. The music was so loud and the amount of talking hid our little argument easily. I didn’t see Ryan, but heard him groan behind the couch. I was slightly scared, I knew how angry he could get, but apparently, so could I. My heart started beating faster. I looked around for anyone else, but like I thought, we were alone. I had to tell Jessie, this had gone too far. As I turned around to leave something hit me in the back of my head, making me fall down. The shock hit me worse than the pain.
“What the fuck..” I was so dizzy I could barely see, but tried to get up grabbing the bookshelf to my right.
Halfway up I felt something hit me again in the face, realizing it was Ryan. My head hit the wall behind me with a great force and I fell back down on the floor.
“Don’t fucking walk away from me!” He turned me around onto my back and hit me hard just below my eye.
More punches to my face and kicks to my torso followed. The reality of the situation didn’t catch up with me, I felt like a rag doll. I could hear myself cough and I was loosing my vision. I wondered if I had screamed, if anyone was coming to help. A loud crack in my upper body cut through every other noise and I tried to open my mouth to scream or just make any kind of loud sound, but only started coughing more blood. Ryan’s furious breathing was over me and he was mumbling.
“Who knew your eyes could get even more blue..” He whispered in a husky voice.
I realized I was lying in a pool of blood and started feeling cold. The room was spinning by this point, although I had lost my vision I felt the world around me disappear. I heard a girl’s hysteric scream close to me, and it took me a while to understand that it wasn’t me. More people came in; I heard their shocked outbursts. Before anyone could get Ryan away from me he kicked me with full strength in my stomach making me gasp for air before blacking out.
#60's #hippie #tree top silhouette #wounded by dust #fiction #part three
Ohhh thanks :3 I'm trying to understand tumblr well, I'm kinda new, I mean , used to have tumblr but I didn't use it. But now I'm totally obsessed. Pd : If I have mistakes writing excuse me cause I speak spanish haha
Oh, okay. It took me a while to get into it, but here I am a year later, head over heels with this wonderful new world.
No problem, I understand :) Where are you from ?
I heard someone call my name once I walked into the room. This room too had a lot of people in it, but not as many as where I came from. I felt someone grab my arm, and turned around to see Jenna. Her long blonde hair was even longer than I remember and her brown eyes just as warm. She grinned and hugged me repeatedly, while too examining me head to toe.
“Oh my God, you’re smokin’hot !” She looked me up and down with eyes wide open.Jenna turned around and glared at the television set. Her face changed immediately. I heard someone in the middle of a discussion, sitting next to the television.
“I’m sorry the mood over here isn’t that good, Car.” She sighed and went on louder so others would hear better;
“Robert Kennedy was shot. Here in LA.” Nothing like this surprised me anymore, I was so tired of the world’s hatred, and I wanted nothing more than to leave it alone. I heard the familiar Texas accent I knew so well.
“Yeah, that seems to take care of every problem. If you don’t like someone, shoot ‘em! The killer will probably end up, ironically, executed. This country is a god damn mess.” Olivia spat the words, as if to show how much she detested the country, detested the hypocritical killing they like to call execution, or capital punishment. As if changing the words will make it okay. I saw the news report flashing on the television screen. I wondered how someone could simply kill someone so easily, like it was nothing.
“Umm…I don’t think its that simple…”
A soft girls voice replied from the couch across Olivia. I turned around to see a blonde girl, about my age, looking innocently at Olivia. I could see she was out of her element with her formal clothes and her perfectly groomed hair. She was wearing a baby blue blouse with a flowery collar, and a high-wasted, white miniskirt. She would make sure her skirt didn’t slide up, and kept her hands on it. She sat in the couch that wasn’t occupied and although she seemed shy, she looked us all in the eyes. This blonde, little creature reminded me of myself back home, before I had even thought of running away. She looked a bit like a stewardess, as I looked at her. Olivia sat casually in an armchair, with her feet dangling on the side, and raised an eyebrow. She was about to say something before Jenna managed to stop her, knowing Olivia would hit hard with her brutal honesty.
“What do you mean? Is it the capital punishment you’re talking about?” Jenna asked, but it was clearly she was frustrated. I knew this was the beginning of a long discussion as a few other people joined in on the conversation.
The girl carefully looked around her, slightly embarrassed to draw any attention. She cleared her throat and continued.
“Yes, I mean the capital punishment. I agree with you when you say it’s wrong, in a way. But look at the killer; do you truly believe he will function outside the prison, in society again? He assassinated a politician, the case is not going unnoticed.”
The girl still looked uncomfortable and a little scared, as if we were going to hurt her for having a mind of her own. We all went quiet for a little while, and I could see the girl doubting her decision to join in on our conversation. Olivia’s eyes softened.
“I’m just against the whole ‘one way or another’ thing. Yes, he will have to go to jail, I don’t disagree with that. I just don’t agree with this country’s need to punish. The need to see people suffer because of the suffering they have caused. When you think about it, it’s plain hypocrisy.”
The girl instantly replied. “Just think about his family. The pain they must be in, they’ll never see him again…”
She paused to continue, but Jenna cut her off.
“Exactly! Which is why we who stand on the outside of the situation, can see it clearly! We still have compassion and understanding towards both parts in the matter, whether we admit it or not, deep down I think we all do. We’re creating hate by continuing this way, killing people for killing.”
Jenna said passionately, with big hand gestures to magnify her point.
“Yes… Well… I just think I’m more on the victim’s side; the one’s who’re left after such a tragic incident. I don’t forgive easily, in fact I don’t know if I ever do. I admire that in you though.”
The girl said slowly, and looked down and her hands. Personally I didn’t have much to say, I knew Jenna and Olivia would say it for me anyway. I noticed that the girl seemed more comfortable now that she’d talked for a little while. The grip she had on her skirt had disappeared and her face didn’t show that much fear. It was hard to say if she was afraid or not though, her blue eyes were very bright and big. She smiled. I watched her carefully.
Olivia got up from her chair and smiled back, reaching out her hand. The girl took it, smiled again and said;
“Nice to meet you, I’m Lucy.”
Jenna and I did the same, affected by her genuine smile, we replied with equal feel. I wasn’t sure why, but my heart ached for her, as if I knew all her troubles. She seemed like such a misunderstood little soul. I had to force away the urge to hug her as he smiled back at me. Olivia, tired of the crowded and buzzing living room, waved her hand at us and led us to another room. Lucy tagged along, not as unsure as earlier. It was a smaller room, and it wasn’t occupied like every other. We all took our spot in the room, me on the floor, between the bed and the door. Olivia lied down on the bed and Jenna sat in a pile of pillows by the opposite side of the bed. Lucy stood just inside the room, a bit awkward. I nodded at her, and she sat down in the middle of the room, completing a sort of large circle.
“Where are you from, Lucy?”
Olivia asked while drawing something in the air with her fingers.
“You don’t think I’m from here?”
She answered a bit confused. Olivia turned around to face us.
“Honey, no one is really from LA.” She smiled at Lucy.
The girl took a deep breath, and it was as if she had to remove a great deal of her pride just to answer.
“I’m from Utah.” She said under her breath.
“There we go! See, now we can all get to know each other. Us hippies here like to pretend we ain’t got no parents, and like we ain’t from nowhere. We were reborn the day we stepped foot in the state. ” Olivia stared at Lucy, refusing to take her eyes off her.
“I’m from Florida, actually. I moved here a year ago, well, ran into the city a year ago.” Jenna said to Lucy, it wasn’t news to me, I was right there when she first came to the city.
She was beat up and in a terrible state. Although she was two years older than me, I felt very protective of her, like she was my sister. Jenna was so fragile and broken when I first met her, I loved seeing how she had grown.
“We all have our stories, especially us here. I feel as if Jesse has a whole story book in his house.” Jenna added, laughing.
“Carmen here came down from Washington two years ago. She was made for this, you know? I know in my heart God chose Carmen to be here, she loves this life more than anyone I know. And let me tell you, there’s a lot of love. ” Olivia continued, nodding my way and smiling slightly at me.
Lucy looked at me, I felt her eyes move up and down as if she was told something disturbing and had to check twice to see if it could be so. I started laughing as Olivia got up and started dancing around me. She pulled me up, and we danced around the room to the music being played somewhere in the house.
“You were made for the 60’s, babe!” Olivia shouted as Jenna whistled at us and Lucy laughed.
I felt good; better than I had done in a long time. New York had made me utterly miserable. I was so happy to be back, I felt like kissing and hugging everyone around me. I wanted to stay in the city and the mindset forever. On the other hand I knew things would eventually go downhill, anytime now. It was tragic in a way, how I could be so repulsed by myself, and still function very well at some occasions. The pain was there, oh it was most definitely there. It was like an open wound, I just left it alone. I just hoped everyone else would too. I relied on it.
I twirled around and danced to the music as I approached the door. Someone stopped me. I slowly turned around to see Patrick standing nonchalant behind me with a bottle of beer in his hand. We stood staring at each other for a little while. Not speaking, not smiling, just looking. He hadn’t changed much, nor did I expect him to have. His deep brown eyes were still so mild and gentle. I was a fool to believe them for so long. No denying, Patrick knew me well, too well. He could read me like a book, and read he did. The lack of control I had with him was awful; it would hit me clear and hard every time I was with him. He saw what there was too be seen, I couldn’t filter out the bad stuff like I did with everyone else. I saw him see me, how he knew everything in a second. His eyes flashed with discomfort. This guy annoyed me. Always the good one, never to blame. He took my hand and guided me out to the room and into the hallway. Once again he stared into my eyes, more intense this time. He seemed desperate. Patrick was always one for drama, but then again, I was also one to get mixed up in it.
“Sweetheart, whatever did you go to New York for?” He said coming closer, he had both hands on my hips.
It was more a remark than a question, because he knew perfectly well what I left LA for, being the reason I left. I felt disgusted by his touch. The well-known sound of his heartbeat, sound of his voice and his smell – I took it all in. I would always ask myself if I loved him, and always end up without an answer. I was closer to hating him than loving him. Emotions, and far too many of them were roaming around in my head and heart. I desperately tried to pull myself together as I pushed him away. I knew if I started talking I’d most likely throw a fit and start screaming. Still, I had a few things to say.
“Darling, you’re a piece of shit. Quick the fucking act. You’re not a good guy.” I stared right back at him.
He smiled slightly. I felt the frustration building up.
“No. Don’t try. I have nothing left for you; go back to whomever you’re planning on doing tonight, ‘cause it won’t be me. I am well aware of my age, don’t think you can take advantage of me because of it.” I stayed calm, and after saying it, I felt genuinely good.
I smiled back at him, a tad smug. He didn’t say anything; I assumed he wasn’t able to. I started laughing looking at his rejected face.
“Remember me, Patrick. You might have to apologize if we get to live long enough.”
I walked away giggling. This moment was precious. I got him at his own game. There it was, done. Gone from my mind, in a flash. Asshole. I smiled again at the thought as I walked into my apartment. I couldn’t stop grinning as I threw myself on the bed. It was the opposite of being in love, and the feelings felt quite similar.
My apartment was really small, but I wasn’t picky. I had lots of books and records, and a thick wire going from one wall to another where I would hang my clothes. I had a large bed, a separated bathroom, but no kitchen. The few times I did eat I would get food at Jessie’s place, or snatch some avocados from the neighbor’s tree. Jessie would often secretly give me money. I’d go through my stuff and I’d find a hundred, five hundred bucks. “Just incase” He said. I never struggled, things would work themselves out.
#60's #fiction #hippie #tree top silhouette #wounded by dust #part two
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